I Go to Work to “Relax”: a.k.a. Why Staying Home With My Kids Would Destroy Me
by Sharon Tjaden-Glass
To clarify, it’s not like I don’t do anything at work.
I do.
But I get to decide what I’m doing.
(Kind of.)
(At least, it feels like it.)
When I sit down at my desk in the morning and take in a breath, my space transforms. My desk turns into my own little sanctuary from Motherhood, where I can mentally escape from the Tasks that You Do But Are Never Done (dishes, laundry, feeding people, shopping, The Checklist.).
Here, I can finish something.
Here, I can decide to do “That” later.
Here, when the class is over, so are my responsibilities for my students (except for grading. Booooo…). I don’t have to take my students with me everywhere. I don’t have to worry if they haven’t gone to the bathroom in a few hours (I hope she doesn’t need to pee when we’re in the middle of the store). I don’t have to think about when they ate last, or if their runny nose means they’re getting sick (and do we need more Tylenol?)
Here, I can take a break when I want to take a break. I don’t have to eat standing up or devour my lunch in the few minutes before the baby loses his mind about not having the bottle in his mouth.
***
My good friend, whom I call “Bear,” was telling me about the annoying points of fostering a dog (which he and his wife are currently doing.) The dog whines. The dog makes messes everywhere. You’ve got to worry about what the dog is getting into.
Oh Bear. I love ya, Bear.
Bear is a portrait of me before I had kids.
Sometimes, when I hear him talking, I can almost see myself in 2012.
Look at her in 2012. Going out to dinner. Taking a nap on the weekend. Seeing a New Movie. Sleeping in until 6:30 a.m. Staying up late and drinking too much sometimes.
Bear and I share the pain of the introvert — the person who must have “downtime” away from other people in order to recharge their batteries. But I’ve lost the easy accessibility of recharging mine. I just can’t seem to get away from people for very long. (Maybe that’s why I get up so early to exercise by myself for an hour before the day starts?)
Introvertedness isn’t about being shy (although some introverts are). Being introverted means that you get your energy from inside yourself, not by being around other people. So if you’re constantly surrounded by other people, your energy just goes down, down, down, and down.
Until you just shut down.
Honestly, the scarcity of downtime in parenthood makes me anxious if I think too much about it. I’m a little glad that I didn’t think too much about how this area of my life would change before we had kids. And now that we have two… (Introverted stay-at-home moms… How do you do it?)
Usually, I just think about today. When can I be alone today?
Oftentimes, the answer is: At my work desk.
In between grading and planning and meeting with students, I ferret away time for myself. I check Facebook (because I took it off my phone). I drink something hot (water lately, since I’m cutting way back on coffee). I work a little for this blog (although I often make more drafts than I actually publish. Wonder if this one will make the cut?)
Ahhh… Those two magical words that have become damn near mystical to me.
Free. Time.
It really is the hardest part about being a parent for me (right now at least).
Because even when they don’t need anything from you and they’re not interrupting you with feedings, changings, questions, gibberish, crying, or cleverly crafted requests to watch another episode of My Little Pony… (It sure would be nice to see what happens to Pinkie Pie, Mama…)
Even when you can finally sink your eyes into A Dance with Dragons…. You still keep looking up to check whether or not the baby has got something in his mouth that he can choke on (99% of the time, he doesn’t. But that 1%…)
After kids, you need to pay for your Free Time. You want to go out for dinner and a movie? The cost now includes the babysitting bill, which is usually more than the cost of dinner (since we spent all the money on babysitting).
(And if you’re lucky enough to have grandparents nearby that will watch your kids… You lucky dog, you.)
But honestly, we might get to dinner and a movie once per year now. Maybe. What we usually do is go to dinner and then Target. Movies usually happen at home now, but let’s be honest, those movies are usually Carebears and Hello Kitty. If we want an actual adult movie, both kids have to be in bed, so we could start the movie at 8:00, but I would be asleep at 8:25 because I started the day at 4:45 a.m….
You get the picture.
***
My own mother worked on and off when I was growing up. She was a part-time cake decorator who regularly worked over 40 hours during the months of May and June (graduation and wedding season).
I imagine that she may have had some of the same feelings about working.
Here, I can finish something.
Here, the responsibilities are clear and defined.
Here, I can see be alone with my thoughts.
Here, I can take a break from the Hardest Job Ever.
I don’t blame you, Sharon. Being an introverted SAHM is hard (though I imagine being a working mom is just as hard in its own way). I taught my boys early on that I am not here to entertain them 24/7. Establishing clear boundaries helps. They know that when they see Mommy holding her coffee in the mornings, that means leave Mommy alone. And every afternoon is mandatory rest time, whether that means a nap or playing quietly in your room. Also tv and iPad/Leappad time really helps. I let them have an hour of both every day and I don’t feel an ounce guilty about it. It keeps us all more sane and calmer. 😉
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This reminds me of a conversation that I had with one of our babysitters. I said that Felicity needed to be in bed by 7:30 and lights out at 8:00. Our sitter said she’d probably still be in the room when we’d get home at 9:00. I asked why, and she said that Felicity would probably leave her room and seek her out anyway. I just shook my head and said, “Send her back to her room. She’s fine. I do it all the time.” The necessity of alone time.
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For me the hardest part is that… I’m a terrible mom. Working from home makes me feel useless: people do not understand what freelancers do, my heart breaks when my baby girl sits under the desk hoping for a smile in return, and the quality of my stuff slowly decreases. 😦
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😦 That sounds like the worst… Hugs…
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What kind of freelancing do you do?
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Hey,
Thanks for asking! Writing and Statistics.
And what subjects do you teach?
Hugs back!
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I teach English to international students who improving their English before starting degree programs at the University.
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That’s awesome! Although paperwork might be burdensome, teaching is rewarding… Hmm, the topic makes me think about bilingual babies like our Val.
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Better to learn language early in life! Which languages does she speak?
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Oh, she’s only 9, so she’s still like a doll, some “dadada” and “amama” mixed with a bit of growling 😉
My husband is English and I’m Bulgarian, so let’s see.
Btw, have you ever had any students from the Balkans?
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No but one of my former colleagues is! She showed pictures of Bulgaria. It’s beautiful!
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It is! Unfortunately, the image we have is horrible. You should visit, though!
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[…] When I come in to work on Monday morning, sometimes I sing, “It’s the Most. Wonderful. Dayyyyy of the Weeeek!” (If you missed it, I go to work to “relax.”) […]
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