A Birth Story in Songs
by Sharon Tjaden-Burkes
When the right music finds the right moments, what we see and feel is carved even more deeply into our memory.
Cognitive psychologists have studied this. In long-term memory, what we tend to remember with the most clarity in the long run are the most unusual and emotional moments of our lives. Because of its ability to mirror or even amplify those emotions, music can be an anchor that fastens those memories in place for the duration of our lives.
As I labored this past February during the birth of our second child, the right music found the right moments over and over again.
I don’t think it was coincidence.
To be honest, I made music playlists for each of my births and loaded them with songs that I would like to hear.
But as anyone who has experienced labor will tell you, ain’t no one DJing your birth when the shit hits the fan. In my first birth, we barely touched the playlist once I was in active labor. It just played on. And whatever order I had chosen when I was willy-nilly loading the songs was the order that they played.
I honestly only remember one song from one moment of my first labor. It was the song playing when our daughter was born, “I Will Be Here,” by Steven Curtis Chapman. It was a sentimental Christian ballad that I added to the playlist on a whim, and one that I didn’t even particularly like anymore. Sure, it was a sweet song. It reminded me of those first vows that we said at our wedding eight years earlier.
But it wasn’t really a birth song. And it certainly wasn’t the one that I would have chosen.
So it was surprising to me just how many times the right music found the right moments in this birth. For me, the music felt like another birth attendant.
The songs held my hand.
The songs urged me one.
And sometimes, the songs were the screams from my own heart.
Someday, I’ll share with you a written version of this birth story. I’m thinking about releasing it as a free Kindle Single, if I can make the time this summer to do that.
But for now, let’s go on a ride.
Let’s give birth.
With songs.
February 2, 2017
Early Labor: 3-4 centimeters
3:00 a.m.
Contractions every 3-4 minutes. Standing, hips swaying. Eyes closed.
“I Can’t Make You Love Me If You Don’t” Bonnie Raitt
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
5:00 a.m.
Contractions every 2-3 minutes. Lying on my side on the bed. Leg, dangling off the side to help the baby turn into position.
“Landslide” Fleetwood Mac
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
7:00 a.m.
Contractions every 2-3 minutes and requiring controlled breathing to cope. Lying on my left side, gripping the headboard of the bed. Eyes sometimes open, sometimes closed.
“Society” Eddie Vedder
Society, have mercy on me
I hope you’re not angry if I disagree
Society, crazy and deep
I hope you’re not lonely without me
Active Labor: 5-7 centimeters
9:00 a.m.
Contractions every 1-2 minutes. In the birthing tub. Blue light in the water. Legs floating. Head leaning back on the edge of the tub. Holding Doug’s hands as he sits behind me next to the tub.
Hypnotic, oscillating moments of weightlessness and heaviness. Baby pushing between pelvic bones, twisting in each contraction.
A lot of groaning.
“Teardrop” Massive Attack
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Transition
A.K.A Climbing the Ladder and Wrestling with God:
7-10 centimeters
10:25 – 10:55 a.m.
Forty-five second, double-peaked contractions every other minute.
This part… Oh, this part. I will write about this in detail later. It was thirty minutes of my life that I will never forget because it is the second time in my life that I encountered God.
“God Moving Over the Face of the Waters” Moby
Stalled: 10 centimeters
11:30 a.m.
Contractions every 1-2 minutes, but no urge to push. Although completely dilated, my water still hadn’t broken. Back in the tub for pain relief. I pressed my face into the edge of the tub and cried.
Doubt. Such deep, deep doubt.
“Last Man” Clint Mansell
12:00 p.m.
Contractions every 2-3 minutes. When my midwife checked me, she told me that the baby still needed to come down farther. I tried a number of different positions but nothing helped. I asked her (okay, screamed for her) to break my water.
That worked.
“Redeemer” Paul Cardall
Pushing
12:55 p.m.
This is another part that I will write about in much greater detail. For right now, just know there was a lot of screaming.
I mean… Yeah. A lot of screaming.
“Press On” Robinella
Life is filled with bitter music
Breeze that whistles like a song
Death gets swept down like an eagle
Snatches with our shoes still onPress on
“Welcome Home” Radical Face
All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don’t let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head’s splitting at the seams
And I don’t know if I can
“Holocene” Bon Iver
And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Huddled far from the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
And I could see for miles, miles, miles
“The Wound” Gospel Whiskey Runners
The road is long and dusty and alone
I’ve got not place to rest, no place to call my own
My eyes have seen the glory of your love
And I won’t turn back this time
No, I won’t turn back this time
“Work Song” Hozier
When my times comes around
Lay me gently in the cold, dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her
Birth
1:27 p.m.
“You’re All I Need to Get By” Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
Like the sweet morning dew, I took one look at you,
And it was plain to see, you were my destiny.
With my arms open wide,
I threw away my pride
I’ll sacrifice for you
Dedicate my life for you
“I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song” Jim Croce
Every time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I’ll have to say I love you in a song
Postpartum Hemmorhage
1:35 p.m.
“Do You Realize” Flaming Lips
Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face
Do you realize we’re floating in space,
Do you realize that happiness makes you cry
Do you realize that everyone you know someday will dieAnd instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It’s hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn’t go down
It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
2:10 p.m.
I asked Doug to take a picture of Henry’s face so I could see him up close.
When I saw the picture, what I thought was,
Yes.
That’s exactly right.
Becoming Mother 
Sharon, thank you for this remembrance. As a music therapist I couldn’t agree more with your sentiments regarding music. It makes me a little sad that I never actually got my playlist made…next time I suppose☺️
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Well, she did come a week early… 🙂 If you could do it over again, is there a song that you’d definitely want on that list?
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Beautiful written story.
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Thanks, Karen!
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This is beautiful. My breath caught at Marvin and Tammi. Perfection ❤
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Really happy to read this post, thank you! I am very envious, but encouraged that there are women out there who are enabled to have birth experiences like yours. Where I live it is really hard. We are not allowed anyone with us on the labour ward (not even a woman). Certainly no music or pools or anything. We are not really allowed to walk around either (I did anyway with them but got scolded). Women are made to fast so we can’t sip water, or ice chips, not the end of the world if its quick but if its a long labour women get overtired as a result and then can’t push. Sometimes the Nurses will slap a woman if she is being too noisy or won’t push. I could go on, and on. But Al-hamdulilah lovely to read & well done to you.
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Giving birth with everyone supporting you is hard enough. It just blows my mind sometimes the mistreatment that women endure when **giving birth to a child.** For this birth, I gave birth in a natural birthing center attached to a hospital and it was fantastic. Everyone was all on the same page about what I wanted to help me get through the birth and they were 100% supported. I felt safe and cared for and that made all the difference during the parts when I truly felt like I was going to die. In my first labor, I was on clear liquids for the second half of the labor, but I was able to eat during the first half. I have to say, I’m certain I would have completely given up if I hadn’t eaten in the 36 hours that I was in the hospital. Labor is grueling, energy-consuming work. How in the world are women supposed to get through it on only clear liquids?
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Hi, yes exactly. The set up you experienced sounds wonderful. Actually they don’t allow clear liquids either. My third labour was only 2 hours, I was pouring sweat and just desperate for water. Just a few months ago my sister in law had her first baby. After being given something to empty her whole system she was refused water and food. After 12 hours of labour she was finally 10 cm, they gave her an injection of some sort and told her to push. At that point she passed out from exhaustion and they had to perform an emergency Cesarean. This was in the private hospital! She then couldn’t get nursing established because it was so painful for her to hold her baby. She experienced bonding problems etc. I have stories from every woman I know which would make your blood run cold. I find the whole set up depressing because with no extra costs but just some better hospital regulations, and better training, a massive difference could very easily be made to women’s lives here. I get on my soap box because there are lots of UNAid projects in the country and they focus on issues like women’s employment. While women here would like to work (actually many do already anyway without the projects) I would say 100% of women here would like better birthing experiences because most of us will give birth at least 3 times (as long as we are able). Or to at the very least feel some trust for the Dr’s and Nurses. Changes need to happen. So sad because just 35 + yrs ago most Bedouin women would have had their baby at home with support of older women, such as their mother, mother in law or old woman in the community acting like a midwife. This whole system was banned. I understand why because they were afraid of uneducated women not recognising major problems, and deaths etc. However, the care which has replaced it, is seriously lacking and actually deaths of both women and babies happen far too often anyway. When I talk to women in their 40’s and over they will have had most or all of their children at home. They all say the experiences at home were better. Then those in their 30’s will have had all in the Hospital and then the horror stories start.
Insha’Allah change will come.
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Wow… That same trend happened in the States too. When birth moved from the home to the hospital, lots of problems happened. Maybe we are swinging more back to how birth used to be. I think that if you can avoid interventions, do that. Let the body work as it wants to work. And be close to help you if you need it…
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Yes! : D. I always say to my Mum “you know what we have here is basically 1950’s Hospital care.” Insha’Allah a balance will be found and it will one day make its way here too. What you did sounds just right to me. The midwife environment but not far from the Hospital should help be needed.
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Hi Sharon, perhaps you don’t want to get distracted on your blog with these kinds of posts, but I really enjoy your blog and so I wanted to nominate you for the Blog-aholic award. All the best with you and your little one.
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Aw, thank you. 🙂 That is sweet.
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