My Heart is Broken
by Sharon Tjaden-Burkes
My heart is so completely broken today.
My heart is broken as a woman, who cringes at the words,
I moved on her like a bitch… Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.
As an academic, who values facts and information and evidence-based decision-making.
I just see how I’m feeling and go based on that.
As an educator, who values critical thinking and acknowledging the limits of my knowledge so I can learn more.
I know more than the generals. Believe me.
As an intercultural communication practitioner, who values the richness, complexity, and benefits of respectful communication between cultures.
(Mexicans) are bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.
I propose a complete and total shutdown of all Muslims entering the U.S.
As a mother, who wants to support her nation’s leader as a role model.
(About his 1-year-old daughter, Tiffany): She’s got great legs.
If I weren’t her father, I’d be dating her. (his daughter, Ivanka)
But most of all…
My heart is broken as a fellow American
who now knows that there are enough angry and disillusioned people in this country who would rather upend the whole system than try to fix what’s broken.
(Not paying taxes) makes me smart.
We’re going to completely repeal Obamacare.
We’re going to tear up our trade deals.
We’re going to have a deportation force.
We’re going to build a wall. And Mexico is going to pay for it.
My heart is broken as a Christian
who values fighting for the poor and the marginalized
How smart can poor people be?
who values humility and forgiveness
Why should I ask God for forgiveness? I don’t make mistakes.
who values compassion
…
There are simply too many examples to list here. And they all break my heart.
***
I want to believe that I’m being overdramatic. That things won’t change that much. That our system of checks and balances works well enough to stop this ridiculous man-child from engaging in nuclear war when someone insults him.
But there are enough people in this country that have decided that this
racist
sexist
uneducated
narcissistic
6-time bankrupted businessman
buffoon of a human being
is more qualified to be president of this great country than someone who has spent her life serving the public.
***
I fell asleep at 11:30 last night and woke up at 2:40 a.m. with a pit in my stomach. The baby was going crazy, flipping and nudging and turning inside of me. I tried to go back to sleep.
I couldn’t.
I was so sick with worry.
So at 3:10 a.m., I looked at my phone. Hoping for a miracle.
Instead, I lay there in the darkness, overcome with anxiety, tears coming down my face. Deep denial coursing through me.
It’s impossible, I kept thinking. There aren’t enough people in this country that could possibly think he’s a better choice.
And then the fear.
Replaying all the hurtful, painful, idiotic things that he has said over the past year and a half.
And then imagining all the people in my life who voted in favor of those very words.
All the people who really thought that placing this man in the White House would actually result in benefits in their lives.
(For the love of God, I wouldn’t even let this man into my own house , not to mention in the same vicinity as me or my daughter.)
Listen, Americans who voted for Trump.
Donald Trump cares about no one but himself and his image.
He taught us that when he spent $20,000 on a painting of himself. Out of funds from his “charity.”
Write it down. Carve it in stone if you want.
Americans who voted for this man, he will break your heart.
Just as you have broken mine.
Becoming Mother 
Spot on, I agree with ALL of this. I was telling my brother that maybe the only decent thing that this has shown us is that someone with NO political experience can win the presidency… If I decide to run a little later in life that will give me hope!
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Ah, but you have to be willing to appeal to people’s basest instincts. I’m guessing you’re too decent you that 🙂
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I bet we agree on a lot of things! 😉And thank you!
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❤
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So much of this well written and thought out blog comes from the wrenching of a broken spirit. I’m ashamed to know that this man will be known as an arm of the Republican party! I honestly don’t understand how America thinks. My prayer is that America will unite and combat this country with so much intercession that God will once again make this country His. I too am brokenhearted on so many levels since the beginning of the debates and have asked myself so many times…is this the best that the Republican party can come up with? NO! I still have no clear answer. I’m feeling ashamed of this outcome which clearly has no answer.
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I keep going over it in my head, on a loop, and I have to say, it’s a whole lot like confronting the reality of facing a world in which you are grieving the loss of someone you love. It’s grief over the loss of an idea of America, one that I still cling to, that we’re more than just divisions of race and class and gender. I want to refuse to believe that this is the best that we can do… But I’m having a very hard time today. I hope, with time, this deep sense of betrayal will wane. This is nothing like Republicans losing in 2008. Because Barack Obama did not threaten to marginalize and persecute millions of Americans if he became president. Or lock up his political opponents. Or, or, or…
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I was also deeply hurt. I am a white man, religious, heterosexual, and without a college education. The people who voted for him were not uneducated. They were poorly educated in such a way they were unable to feel any compassion for non-Christians, non-whites, and non-men. As a citizen of a country I proudly served for in the military for 8 years, I will take responsibility and say I must do my part to help educate those around me to have compassion for their neighbors, no matter who they are. We can do this, Becoming Mother.
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YES! Compassion! Trying to understand people who are different from you rather than using them as scapegoats. Diversity can be frightening to people, but only if you’ve never had a friend who looks differently from you. For me, as an international educator, I’m not frightened of diversity: cultural, linguistic, or racial. I see it as an opportunity to learn something new. And it just breaks my heart when people see these differences are reasons that their lives are tanking.
Thank you for your comments… Big, big hugs. I hope we pull through this.
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I had to teach last night and wasn’t watching the results roll in. But by the time my class was over it was clear that Trump was going to win and I cried the whole way home (I’m NOT a crier…) I came home to my 11 year old daughter still awake and sobbing at the thought that this person had actually been elected. It’s not about the political party at all, it’s about what this person represents. I’m not only sad for our country, I’m scared. And that’s a terrible feeling to have after an election. My daughter said it best: “It’s not that I’m mad or sad, really. It’s that I’m just so disappointed.” Yes. This. I am so disappointed.
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Yes! This. All this. It’s not a dissatisfaction that another political party is leading the country. It’s a deep, deep grief about losing a sense of values that I thought we stood for. When I faced my students today and had to put on “the happy face,” it was as hard as the day my father died. That day, I taught, and it was horrible. The feeling is so so similar. Some of my Christian friends have tried to be consoling by saying that “God is in control.” But this doesn’t help. Because I believe that God and evil can exist at the same time. It happens all over the planet. Dark forces govern so many areas of the world because horrible leaders rule. I do not want that for this country.
I’m still hoping for goodness. But now, I realize just how close we are in our flirtation with fascism.
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Hang tough, Sharon. Decency has lost this battle but the fight rages on.
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I think I will get there. Denial and that sense of betrayal are so high right now, but I know they will pass. Or at least hope they will pass.
Today, I looked my international students in the eye and told them that *I* wanted them in this country. And that no matter what, *I* welcome them. I don’t see them as a threat. I almost cried right there in class as I said it.
Hoping better days are ahead.
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It’s a palatable loss. But focus on the state of mind and state of heart that leads you to say to your international students, “And that no matter what, *I* welcome them.” That right there is how good eventually wins. I must believe that.
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I couldn’t have expressed this sentiment any better, though I sure did express myself. Nice job on a well written piece. I invite you to check my piece out at: https://perfectlyimperfect32wordpresscom.wordpress.com/2016/11/09/waking-up-a-defeated-woman/?iframe=true&theme_preview=true
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Big, big hugs… ❤
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You are a powerful writer, Sharon. I particularly liked point you made about how you wouldn’t trust Trump within the vicinity of you or your daughter. Yet we have somehow put our trust in him as our leader. It’s surreal. The question I’m dying to ask to anyone who voted for Trump is: What has he done in his life to life up others? (That is, over the a period of time, and without any expectation of reprisals for his own benefit. I don’t want to hear any anecdotes about holding babies at rallies.) Many of my conservative friends had voted against him and I closely follow the 538 blog which had predicted 50/50 states successfully in ’12, but… wow, did they get this one wrong… so I was especially stunned by the result.
Well, I wish you and yours happiness. I guess we just have to keep believing that our two greatest gifts as humans – love and logic – will somehow win out in the end.
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Courage. You have so much. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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