Bullying
by Sharon Tjaden-Burkes
So my daughter is in love with the Berenstain Bears right now. And I happen to love that. Each story tackles a challenge that kids face and usually offers sound advice and moral lessons. Don’t eat too much junk food! Do chores around the house! Learn to compromise with friends! Don’t brag about yourself all the time! Take turns! Clean up after yourself!
I mean, really, who doesn’t love these books?
And then I read how the Berenstain Bears tackled the bully issue.
So in this episode, Sister Bear is the one that gets beaten up by a bully. (Nice twist, huh?) Brother is so pissed off about it that he marches down to the playground to knock this kid’s lights out–only to find out that the bully is a girl. Then, he decides that he can’t punch a girl. Why?
“Because then he’d be a bully, too.”
So, the first lesson is that if boys hit girls, they’re bullies.
… Which begs the question: What are boys if they hit other boys? Just boys? The old “boys will be boys” line?
So Brother stalks away, his masculinity deflated, disappointed and frustrated that he can’t hit a girl.
I’ll summarize the rest of the story: Brother Bear then goes to the school’s gym teacher, who then gives him boxing gloves (not kidding). Then, Brother Bear goes back home and teaches Sister Bear self-defense in the basement of the Bear Tree House. All of this happens unbeknownst to Mama and Papa Bear, whose advice isn’t much better.
“Just avoid the bully as much as possible,” they say.
However, when Sister Bear is inevitably confronted by the bully on the school playground, she indeed punches the bully right in the face (not kidding).
Both Bears are sent to the principal’s office. The bully cries as they wait to be disciplined, and Sister has a revelation that this kid is probably hit by her parents.
Resolution: Sister gets off with a warning. The bully gets a week of no recess–and they don’t tell her parents.
***
Two weeks ago, I heard my husband tell our daughter, “If he pushes you, I want you to say ‘Don’t push me!”
It seemed weird to be having this talk with a 2 1/2 year-old child. But I guess this is when these conversations need to start?
I’m the first to admit that I don’t have clear advice or strategies to share with my daughter about how to deal with bullying. Is it good advice to tell her to push back?
One thing I do know: I cringe at the thought of telling her to just avoid a bully.
So what options remain? Should I tell her to tell the teacher? But then, I also want her to know that she has agency to solve her own problems.
But then, she’s two.
Bargh…
What do/did you tell your two-year-old?
Becoming Mother 
If it was a kid in my class I would tell them to use their words and tell the person “I don’t like when you ______, please don’t do it again.” If they keep doing it then tell the teacher or another adult. At 2.5 it’s kinda hard because you don’t know what the other kid is being taught at home. They could have siblings who pick on them, or parents who think it’s okay to push/smack/bite and either teach the kid how or don’t do anything when the kid does the offending behavior. The biggest thing you can do is teach your child that putting your hands on others in acts of violence is not okay, it’s okay to tell people when you don’t like when they do something to you, and you can get help if there is a problem you can’t solve.
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Yeah, it just doesn’t feel right to me to give the advice to “fight violence with violence.” I’m much more comfortable with giving the advice to establish boundaries and let someone know when it’s not okay how they’re treating you. So I agree with you there. I think it will be easier to have a good conversation about this once she’s a little older. Maybe 3? I was just a bit surprised that we have to have this conversation so early.
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Personally I think it’s a fine conversation even at 2. Of course you have to tailor the conversation so that its age appropriate. Maybe read the book hands are not for hitting
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That is on my list for tomorrow’s library visit, actually! 🙂
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Raf and I disagree about this a lot. He thinks violence with violence is okay. In the end, we tell CJ to go to an adult, tell them, and/or hang around them because the bully isn’t going to pick on them around authority. In the case of really young kids, I still don’t think fighting back is the answer. (We haven’t had an issue with Ada yet, but she has not problem standing her ground…and we just kind of let her.) Anyway, it’s very clear that we’re not supposed to fight violence with violence and that we’re instead supposed to turn the other cheek. Still, it’s hard not to want your child to defend his/herself.
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I like the hang-around-an-authority figure approach if there’s a problem. I could get behind that one. Maybe we should follow Ada’s example and encourage an “I will not be moved” mentality–did I interpret that right? That she just won’t be dominated?
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What I learned was to realize bully kids that are younger than 5 need to learn to use words. Older than 5 years old I suspect they are kids who are not supported at home in some way. I taught my kids to always be forthright in speech. “That’s not okay!” “Don’t touch me!” I always believed my kids and reassured them our home is a safe place. And I would help them cope if they are not home- at school or somewhere else.
The horrible possibilities abound when kids go on the internet- close monitoring is beat and lots of love and safety at home – invite kids to your home so you can see if they are okay companions for your child. I always told my children it ok not to prefer to be with someone-it’s not ok to be mean and it’s not ok if someone is mean to them.
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Love this. Thank you for sharing! I worry about the possibility of cyber-bullying, too. I operate on one month at a time right now, but I know it’s just around the corner…
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Close monitoring is *best
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I don’t think I’ve talked about it much, but this year I lead our campus team to implement the Olweus bully prevention program. http://www.violencepreventionworks.org/public/index.page We never call a child a bully, we just tell parents and students that we want ‘x’ behavior to change. We created a consequence rubric that we follow after we have documented / investigated that bullying behavior had been done. It’s been a great help with our K-2nd graders. But ya, avoiding most likely won’t solve it.. Tell an adult at school and home and keeping telling until someone listens 🙂
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You are so wise, Josh. 🙂 Your comment made me think about the consequences of the term “bully.” I don’t think I’ve considered how that label might perpetuate the problem. Once a child is labeled “a bully,” that must be hard to undo.
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In addition, there is now a problem with kids using the term “bullying” when that is not the case. Sometimes if someone is doing something they don’t like, they claim they’re being bullied.
“Billy is bullying me .”
“What did he do?”
“He won’t stop tapping his pencil when I asked him to.”
True story.
Make sure kids have a clear idea of what bullying is. If someone does something mean, but it’s not on purpose, it’s an accident. If someone does something mean once on purpose, then it’s mean. However, if someone does something purposefully mean more than once, that’s bullying.
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I know exactly what you’re talking about. I did some student teaching in an elementary school (once upon a time…), and I remember kids misusing the word “bully.” Teachers had to report incidents of bullying, so when kids mischaracterized bullying, it got sticky. Kind of relieved that I teach adults. 🙂
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I empathize with your position Sharon and appreciate your willingness to discuss it and develop a plan!
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